Self-Contained?

A few days ago I tweeted that helpless girls made me sick. Then I tweeted that what makes me even sicker are girls who pretend to be helpless because they have insecure men who need the ego stroke. As I board this train of thought, I find myself asking the same question I’ve been asking for years… Am I destined to be alone longer because I’m not one of those helpless girls?

Now, the short answer is no. I know quite a few independent women who have a man in their lives, women who think, and feel and definitely do for themselves. But I know just as many who seem like independent women… Right until their men come along. Then they become simpering, baby talking, weirdos who ask him every question like he’s Google and stare at him adoringly no matter what comes out of his mouth. Or they pretend that they can’t do something just so they can ask him to do it and make him feel good. It’s a little disgusting to tell you the truth. The worst part is, I don’t know if they’re doing it because they want to keep him and that’s what he likes- or because they THINK this is what he wants.

I always hear that men need to feel needed- that you have to figure out how to make him feel like a man. That we as women forget to need our men. I will be the first to admit that This sentiment gives me a little struggle- as I am not comfortable feeling “needy.” I had a very close friend tell me once that I act like I don’t need anyone- and that this is why I don’t attract very many guys.  Whoo! Thanks friend! Now I know what my problem is. What a fucking relief… I was beginning to think it was my weight. (insert sarcasm here). Anyway, after she told me that, I started to wonder more and more if it was true. I thought about how I’ve always viewed myself as an independent woman- and how I’ve always thought of it as a good thing. It’s how my parents raised me to be- and I do mean BOTH parents. My dad always taught me to go get what I want- “don’t wait on nobody to do nothing for you in this world.” He said this with a complete seriousness- there was no punchline at the end of that sentence. My daddy was a huge fan of having your ducks in a row- because as he always said, “you never know what can happen.” He never wanted me to be dependent on anyone- and I’ve tried not to be because of that. But does that make me less attractive? It’s been a well known observation of mine that a lot of men like women who let them swoop in for the rescue all the time. Guys brag about not being Captain Save-A-Hoe but they secretly like it when you need to be saved. This furthers my nausea because this makes women believe that “wanting” you in their lives is not enough. And it is. Isn’t it?

A sensitive girl I am- but a helpless girl I am not- and I don’t want to pretend to be. I’m not saying that I don’t “need” a man; I’m saying that if the disgusting displays I’ve been seeing are the ways to make men feel needed, then I’ll never get one because I’ll never need one that way. When did the male ego become so fragile that only weak women will do? Instead of sending the subliminal message that women need to dumb it down, why cant we ask men to step it up?

Now I know I’m speaking in generalizations and I probably shouldn’t, but I’m seeing this more and more and it bothers me a lot. I know that society’s gotten all out of wack and as a result gender and relationship roles have too, but I still intensely dislike the idea that my man can only feel strong when I’m pretending to be weak; it just doesn’t sit well- and it doesn’t give me any warm fuzzy feelings about relationships either.

I may wax philosophical about my Superwoman complex but deep inside, in the core of me, there IS something basically feminine that wouldn’t mind curling up in some big strong arms and letting him shoulder the world for me every once in a while- but I’m not hardwired to be like that all the time. Usually when it happens I blame PMS and wave it off and go on about my business. But even if it happened more, I’d be screwed because I’ve yet to find a viable option for the job. I don’t know if guys like that just don’t exist anymore – or if I’m scaring them off with my independent attitude (as my friend suggests). Either way, there are definitely times when I wonder if I’m standing in my own self sufficient way… if there is a man strong enough to handle the independence my parents gave me- and whether he’ll be too busy rescuing hoes to find me…

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