In Overdrive

Let me start by saying Happy New Year and I hope everyone had a great holiday. Mine was quiet and relaxing. For the first time in years I didn’t take any time off, or visit my family. I didn’t even buy any gifts. I stayed home, baked a chicken, drank wine and watched The Wire. It was… nice. I mean, I wouldn’t have minded if someone else had been there. But I was okay with just me. I was afraid at first. I thought I’d spend the weekend crying and feeling lonely. But I didn’t. Anyway, enough of that. The reason I’m here today is sex. As in, the heart-pounding, breath-stealing, sweaty kind. Why are we talking about sex today, you ask? Because I’m not having any. And it’s becoming a problem.

First thing: all the people (read men) who think it’s so easy for women to find someone to have sex with need to come live my life for a few weeks. I don’t meet people everywhere I go. And I have the annoying habit of wanting people who only want to be my friend. So no sex. I mean, there’s always the option of going with someone random, but I’m one of those crazy people who only wants to have sex with people I LIKE. And I don’t know enough about the randoms to know if I like them. So no sex. And as I sat in my house, watching TV, lusting after Wee Bay, I realized how sexless my life has been in the last year. Not that I haven’t had other shit on my mind, because I have. I mean, you guys read my blog. I’ve been struggling. With dating, with health, with weight, with loneliness, with not being fulfilled career-wise. You name it, I struggled with it last year. So sex has been in the back of my mind, but I always pushed it to the side because of having other things to focus on. And I still have other things. But my unrequited sex drive is starting to get very upset that I’ve been ignoring it. And I don’t have a solution.

My sex drive has always been high. I mean, I’m sure I think about sex as much as any man- probably more. And being who I am, I tend to think about sex as an experience. It’s not just about getting fucked until I pass out, although that would be nice. For me, it’s about sights, and sounds, and even smells. It’s about skin against my skin. Kissing and hair-pulling and the combination of sweat and perfume. All of that. It’s about those incoherent words I say when I’m so turned on I can’t think straight. You get the idea. Anyway, none of that is happening. And at first, I ignored it, then it made me sad to think about, now I think I’m pissed off about it. I mean, I’m not perfect but I didn’t do anything to deserve this forced celibacy. At least I don’t think I did. I started wondering if this is some form of karma, which I believe in. Then, I thought I was being overly dramatic. It’s just a dry spell. Everyone has them. Right? Sigh.

I wasn’t going to say anything at first. Because usually when you tell someone you miss sex, you get one of three responses: they look at you like physical desire is a demon you should immediately expel; they give you a speech about transcending the physical and advice about connecting with people in other ways; OR they suggest masturbation. Let me tell you how all of those answers are wrong. There are a lot of things that tempt us in life. And I too have been guilty of blindness due to physical lust. I know there are consequences to focusing too much on how someone makes you feel physically. But I learned my lesson from that. And I think physical needs count just as much. They’re not evil. They’re okay in moderation, like everything else that feels good. Second, I know the physical isn’t everything. I know that passion will calm and you’ll have to have something else to keep you when it does. I know that compatibility doesn’t end with the physical. That you need more. I don’t need that lecture. I’m kind of lusty. I’m going through an especially lusty period right now. That’s all. And it’s nice to have weak knees. And shivers up your spine. And fantasies. There’s nothing wrong with that. And there’s nothing wrong with me for missing it. Lastly, masturbation doesn’t get me skin against my skin. There are no hands, and mouths–besides the ones that belong to me, of course. I miss the five-sense experience of sex. Masturbation doesn’t get you that. More sighs.

I’m going to yoga on Wednesday. Maybe some deep breathing and exercise will help. It’s worth a try, right?