Transitions

Hey guys. I’m just going to tell you now, as a disclaimer, that I am writing this during my “time of the month,” which makes me infinitely more sore, weepy, and tired. But still… shit on my mind. And this is the place, right? It’s a safe place. So here we go…

My life is one big ball of transition. My best friend is getting married at the end of the month. We are putting our house on the market and moving. I am trying to write every day of this year, and I will be getting a new job. My Kah is due in a couple of weeks. So much change, I can hardly bear it. I mean really. I’m not good with change. I can hardly bear this. On my last trip to Philly, my cousin told me that I should take all this newness as an opportunity to transform, to step out of my comfort zone, to be someone I’ve never been. I… I just… I don’t disagree. I can do anything. I know that. And now is definitely the time. But change, as constant and necessary as it is, is SO DAMN HARD. It’s almost too hard and I find myself wanting to back away. Bad news, Shameka. You can’t. This shit is already in motion, and what’s more, it needs to be. It’s the dawn of a wonderful day. Everything that’s happening is the exciting shit that life is made of. Except… I’m not excited. Well I am some days. But most days… not. And I think  I’ve figured out why. It’s because I’m used to having the answers. And I don’t have ANY right now. Everything in my life is open-ended… and I’m scared. Not excited. Let’s examine this:

My best friend is getting married and I… I’m still finding the courage to even ATTEMPT dating after I had a setback last year. No answers there.

We are selling our house- she is moving in with her new husband, of course. Me? I don’t have a place to live. My plan is to move back to Philly, but I don’t know where. And I don’t have a backup plan if I don’t find a place. No answers there.

I have to get a new job. That hasn’t happened yet. Sigh. I’m looking.

Kah is about to be a mother. I know that one’s not about me, but I’m nervous anyway. This child is the child of the person I probably love most in the world. It makes him important to me in ways people may never realize. Plus, I’m jealous.

I got a referral for a weight loss surgeon, two girls at work are pregnant, I think my hair is thinning at the top, etc. etc. etc.

On the bright side, I think I might be having a writing breakthrough. I’m taking it slow, but we’ll see. All of this is to say that I’m being pulled in so many directions. They’re all necessary directions, but it’s like all my roads less traveled are being plopped right in front of me. And it’s so intimidating that I can’t take a single step. Transition, transformation, it all seems so… so… I know I’m making this harder. I know all of this is growth. I know there’s nothing to be afraid of, that I should run right into life, that that’s the best way to live it. I KNOW this. My problem? Getting my heart to FEEL it. All I feel is… tired, mostly. Scared.

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to write this today. But… here we are. Here we are. Here I am. Where I’ll be next? Anyone’s guess. Mine included.

Thanks for reading. I love you.

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