Hello beautiful people!
How are we? Are you all okay? I want you to be, you know. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that my readers, my family, are out here flourishing in love, respect, compassion, good food and all that great shit. Anyway, I’ve been weighing topics for a blog for days in my head. I mean, as a writer, I always have 40 million thoughts at once, but I try to focus and center on one cohesive blog topic. Sometimes it takes me a while, which is why I normally only do this once a month. So like I said, I’ve been weighing my options for topics. Do I want to talk about my house? My job? My love life? My family? My weight? Where do I want to go? I honestly had no idea. So I decided to make this post just sort of a catch all, and tell you a little bit of everything I’m going through. So here we go. Highs and lows.
Low– My house. Sigh. I have to admit. I’m resentful. I feel like I’m being rushed. And I feel like saying I’m being rushed is the wrong thing. I want to tell everyone to back the fuck off and give me a minute to adjust to the fact that I HAVE TO MOVE AND I AM LOSING MY HOUSE! This has nothing to do with whether this is the right thing, because I know it is. I’m not saying I don’t want to do it. I do. I’m not saying I want the process to take forever, because I don’t. I’m saying I. Need. A. Fucking. Minute. I want to be alone with this, and I haven’t been. I want to breathe for five minutes. So there’s that. It may sound whiny, but I’m allowed to be. My feelings are real, and valid, and no one can tell me that they aren’t. I’ve submitted to this staging process, but that’s more shit. Because of course the stager is only using some of the furniture, which means I have to find a place for the rest. And I will. I will. Because I know this has to get done. But man, this is some bullshit.
Low– My weight. I canceled my appointment with the weight loss surgeon. I don’t want to do this. Any of this. The idea of surgery scares the complete shit out of me and I don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I should at least do the consult, but the thought of it makes me sad, I don’t know why. Is this where I am? And people speak of it so very casually, as if it’s something… commonplace and normal. And you know what? In 2015, I suppose it is. But it’s not common for me. It’s not everyday normality for me. It’s scary to think about doing this. And it’s scary to think I’m so far gone that this is an option. I just… wish everyone would stop acting like it’s a simple decision, like it’s not my whole life forever changed. My self, my outer self, has been a source of both joy and pain for me. But this… sigh. Whatever. I’ll just continue to mull it over.
High– My job. I’ve been traveling for work, and actually staying on top of my work. So things are good. I’m making my way through and feeling like I might come out of this thing alive, lol. Travel is rough and tiring, but also fun and interesting. I hope I get to break the monotony like this for a little while longer. It’s been good for me. The other high about work and work travel is that it affords me the opportunity to have space that is invite-only. I don’t HAVE to answer my text messages or check my Facebook, or otherwise involve myself in anything but work. It’s kind of freeing.
High– My family. We had dinner over Memorial Day and I got to see and laugh with a lot of them, some of whom I haven’t seen in a while. I have two cousins who are engaged and the thought of that made me happy. Not happy and sad, or happy and envious, or happy and reflective. Just… happy. I held and kissed and loved on all of the babies and didn’t hear that stupid ticking of my clock I normally hear. It was pure… and lovely. I reconnected with some people whom I thought were slipping away, and cemented my overall thinking that home is really where my heart is right now. I had a friend tell me to reconsider my future, to not give up everything I’ve gained in this current situation. But the reality is, I don’t have anything now that I can’t get again. It was ME- not this place, that gave me what I have. Anyway, my family is doing what they do best- reminding me who I am. My Gran and my dad have been especially wonderful with this, and I’m so grateful to them.
Flirting and Lust– Let me tell you about men and how wonderful they are. How cute and cuddly and sexy they are. How when you see their picture they make you wonder if they smell good and if they taste better. Let me tell you about that. Let me tell you how they can give your lady parts all the tingle and your writing all the lustful inspiration. Reading blogs has been helping my flirt game tremendously, and I think I have a soft spot for writer boys. And why not? I’m an awesome writer girl, you know. And that seems to be how I’m attracting them. Who knew my dating-challenged self had an ace in the hole? Anyway, it’s been fun rediscovering how much fun it is to say what’s on your mind, even if it’s filthy. And it’s been fun just laughing and talking with no strings and no boundaries.
Random Airport Thoughts– I haven’t had the time or inclination to write. I want to brainstorm my next project but my mind is just not in it. I keep finding contests to enter and then not getting myself together in time. I know that has to change. I know it. Writing is who I am. And I can’t let it fall by the wayside because I’m consumed with angst about this transition. That can’t happen. So I have to find a way to resolve that issue too. Let’s add that to the list.
Anyway, that’s where I am now. Where I’ll be next? You’ll find out soon enough…